Grilled Cheese

I've been married for five months now and have yet to really make any progress in the kitchen. Sure, I've put the ridiculous amount of cooking supplies we registered for away in drawers...but that's pretty much where they've stayed. In the drawers. Collecting dust. Unused. Sad. Lonely. And the pantry? Full of ingredients I have no idea how to use. I mean, when am I honestly going to use peppermint extract? What in the world is star anise? Why do I have three boxes of vanilla extract from Madagascar? I suppose I went out on a newlywed domestic high and purchased these items thinking I'd certainly use them for some magical recipe that would make my husband cry tears of joy. Hasn't happened yet, people.

Yesterday, I thought I'd make another attempt in the kitchen. I thought I'd surprise my husband with the Best Grilled Cheese He's Ever Eaten in His Life. This was going to be the grilled cheese of all grilled cheeses. I envisioned him showering me with compliments and calling all of his friends to tell them about the amazing lunch he had just eaten. I set myself up with some pretty unrealistic expectations to say the least. Did I truly know how to make a grilled cheese sandwich? Yes. No. I should, right? You'd think I should but oh, that's where you're wrong. Did we have any ingredients to make said sandwich? Not really. Nevertheless, I suited up in my apron and looked in the refrigerator and pantry hoping that the few ingredients we had would result in some sort of grilled cheese culinary genius.

The bread, cheeses, and butter were all there. I fired up the gas stove and began happily cooking away. I have to admit, I was pretty proud of myself. (Then, I had to stop and remind myself that I used to babysit young children that could cook their own grilled cheese). Still, I was happy that I was even standing in the kitchen, using an actual cooking utensil, and making food for my husband.

In the five minutes it should take to cook a grilled cheese sandwich, the following questions ran through my mind:

• This is so fun, why don't I do this every day!?
• Oooh, how did this side get so perfect and brown?
• Why is this cheese not melting?
• Why is there smoke!!!?
• WHY IS THIS SIDE OF THE SANDWICH COMPLETELY BLACK!!!?

 Needless to say, I figured out a way to ruin a grilled cheese. I threw it in the trash can and I shamefully scraped away the black tar that was once cheese on my skillet. I was embarrassed that I couldn't even successfully melt cheese on bread, annoyed that I had failed so miserably, and disappointed in myself that I wasn't the chef I had hoped to be. In fact, I went as far to think, "I must be a terrible wife. I'll never learn to cook. Why did I even try?" A little overdramatic? Yes. But honestly, that's how I felt. I felt like a failure. I had failed to meet my own expectations and the ones I assumed my husband had created for me.

It's funny how God humbles us and uses our unmet expectations as a way of teaching us, how He uses mistakes to teach us more about His perfection and our lack of it. There I was, trying to be a perfect wife in our perfect kitchen making the perfect grilled cheese sandwich that would make my husband see how perfectly perfect I was....and then, I char that thing til it's completely past the point of edible. Is it really any wonder that my adventures in grilled cheese making were short lived? I demanded such perfection of myself. And obviously, I had placed way too much emphasis on a sandwich.


I think about other times when I demand perfection from myself or others. I seek perfection at work, in my home, from my husband, from friends, in my appearance, in my relationship with the Lord, and in this case: something as simple as a grilled cheese sandwich.

Here's the bottom line and here's what I so often forget in the messiness of life: God never asked me to be perfect. To be His, I do not need to be the perfect wife, friend, and teacher. I don't have to be the best cook, best dressed, and most beautiful. Because I simply cannot be. All I have to be is myself...His beloved daughter.While I'll strive to be excellent for Him, I have to constantly be mindful of when I am pridefully seeking perfection and when I am seeking to honor His name through excellence.

I love what Brennan Manning says about accepting our imperfection, mistakes, and foolishness. "As we come to grips with our own selfishness and stupidity, we make friends with the impostor and accept that we are impoverished and broken and realize that if we were not, we would be God. The art of gentleness toward ourselves leads to being gentle with others--and is a natural prerequisite for our presence to God in prayer".

Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. This thing we assume is "perfection" is completely unattainable. Isn't there such freedom in that? You can't and never will be perfect, so relax and take comfort in that thought. You don't have to try so hard anymore. So start finding joy in the messes. Laugh at your mistakes and seek to find Christ's love in the midst of them. Find humor in burnt grilled cheeses and begin to accept the grace God gives you in all your imperfection.